Hypocrisy

Why So Serious?

No, this is not a critique on "The Dark Knight". Neither is it a eulogy on Heath Ledger.
Come to think of it, why does it have to be about anything in particular?
The best I can say is that this is about a gnawing feeling about everything and nothing that, if too you get, then you’re sensing an inkling of what I’m going through constantly.
It’s a feeling that comes unannounced and often. It’s a feeling that says I would give anything to trade places with a certain individual I see before me. If you’re thinking that the individual is a certain guy with the hottest girl in his arms then you couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s the kid in the restaurant who couldn’t be any less interested in eating. It’s the kid who runs amuck in the restaurant thinking the world to be his playground. It’s the kid who rolls on the restaurant carpet and dances on the dining table. It’s the kid who doesn’t realize that he is spending the most blissful moments of his life. It’s the kid who doesn’t have to think twice before screaming out in a busy public place. It’s the kid who can go out and play in the rain without fearing that he might catch a cold. It’s the kid who can get into a fight without the slightest consideration of the consequences (apart from the thought that he might get bested-but he doesn’t care about that anyway). It's the kid who can call people names and not care a rat's arse about decency. It’s the kid who doesn’t always have to maintain a facade of sociability and conviviality. I’d give my life and those of a few others to trade places with that kid and stay that way.
Well, now that that’s out, here’s some news. I completed 3 years as a software-professional. Some of my colleagues think that calls for celebration.
Think I’ll celebrate by ripping off my shirt on a rainy day in the middle of a busy street, punch a bloody nose on someone, kick someone on the balls and invariably get bloody bashed up in turn.
Or maybe I’ll just take to drinking. Cheers mate…

Om "Shanti?" Om

{Warning: This is a particularly long post and if you don‘t have enough time then I suggest you not read it at all rather than giving up halfway through, muttering curses at me}

The fact that I find (and have always found) Deepika Padukone absolutely delectable has no bearing whatsoever on what I am going to write about Om Shanti Om(OSO for future reference) in this post of mine. Yes, I’ve finally seen what most critics and serious film buffs would call nothing more than a gaudy monstrosity. I realize that I’m going to draw some serious flak if I say that I beg to differ but I’m going to say it anyway.
I’ve never particularly liked SRK movies. No, that’s not entirely true. What more neatly covers it is that I’ve always hated SRK movies barring the odd exception Swades. Off-screen though the story’s quite different. I’ve always found SRK interviews quite entertaining and his answers particularly witty. One might almost call me an SRK fan…off screen mind it. I’ve always had the feeling that what he does on screen is because of how well he knows what the Indian audience expects/wants from a movie.
In fact I don’t think anyone could have summed this curious state of Indian cinema better that Mallika Sherawat when she said “Only two things sell when it comes to Indian Cinema…sex and Shahrukh Khan”. What strikes me as particularly interesting is that SRK seems to know it only too well. Ahem, well, so does Mallika, for that matter. Anyway, I for one, found too many digs at the Indian film industry’s…no the Indian film audience’s, current state in OSO for it to be a mere coincidence.
From re-births to skimpily clad Hinglish speaking confused female side actors to over-anxious mothers with their typical age old line“Aja beta khana kha le” OSO has all that I can't quite digest in Indian cinema. But it also has a lot more…at least in my humble opinion. Let me elaborate…
The reborn SRK, OK in the movie is supposed to act in a movie in which he is a spurned lover witnessing his beloved’s wedding. He however is not going to be in any state to voice opinions or even make hand gestures for that matter since he’s deaf, mute, blind and has all four limbs amputated. OK before shooting for the movie claims that this movie would go on to win enormous critical acclaim but wouldn’t be a crowd puller. So what does the movie need to rake in the moolah? It needs an item number with a bevy of hot chicks and a bare bodied OK with painted abs doing the Dard-e-disco. A sloppy film banking on celebrity item numbers is nothing new. Bollywood has used it time and again and more often than not to great monetary effect.
OK's line to his father right after the filmfare awards ceremony proclaiming that he had won awards and laurels simply because of his father's financial backing was more that a subtle below-the-belt blow at some of our budding star-kids.
The filmfare award portion of the movie was also of particular interest to me. The shots at the Dhoom series (quite sporty of Jr. Bachhan to take up the role and arguably the best work he‘s done and will ever do), and the Khiladi series of movies were both particularly enjoyable. Equally enjoyable were the preset lines from the actresses proclaiming to be "just friends" with OK. Even more enjoyable were SRK’s digs at his own ridiculous mushy movies from the Yashraj and Karan Johar factories-a clear indication that he himself realises how crappy those movies are.
However, he does them nevertheless because he knows that what will sell among the Indian audience fattened on K serials, is mushy balderdash like Kuch Kuch hota hai, Kal ho na ho and Kabhi Alvida na Kehna while movies like Johnny Gaddar, Hazaaron Khwaishe Aisi and Bheja Fry move quietly into oblivion.
And this is what has been glorified in OSO-which in my opinion is more of a spoof than a film. It is a critique, if I may be audacious enough to call it so, of the sorrowful taste in movies of the Indian audience. It is proof, that a film need no longer have a script and good acting to be a hit. What it needs now is some ample dose of mush, a hackneyed plot, a couple of item numbers and as some icing on this cake a generous dose of megastars. The mere fact that OSO has done marvelously at the box office is ample proof of this because the SRK/Farah Khan team has put in OSO exactly what it stands to criticise. My hats of to SRK for poking us in the eye with this unfortunate truth and my apologies to Farah Khan if I haven’t given here due credit for coming up with this film, or rather a product, that should serve as a rude awakening to the Indian movie goers.

Fortune Cookie

Whosoever coined the phrase 'Thank God It's Friday' sure had a way with words. Apart from the 15th and the 30th/31st which are paydays out here, Fridays(Friday evenings, rather) are the only days I eagerly look forward to. However Fridays are not meant for cooking. Thankfully fate would have me savour a really satisfying dinner at China Buffet yesterday night. That was where I was handed a fortune cookie which read thus...

"You have a way with words, You should write a book"

For those of you who fully grasp the magnitude of this impending catastrophe, here's your chance to voice your dissent. Tomorrow may just be too late.

The Battle of Orchard Village

Many of the epic battles in history have unfortunately been overlooked by the media. The only way we ever get to know of them is by word of mouth. "Urban legends", some people call
them...the wiser few, know better.
The onus is on me to tell you today of one such battle. This will not be a long post since I do not intend to disturb you with the gory details. I have just the cold hard facts to present.

This battle takes place between just two entities and is of no lesser magnitude as compared to the one between Gandalf and the balrog mentioned by Tolkien. One one side is the underdog...let us call him the Hero (after all, we all love underdogs...). On the other side is something which is just not human...let's call it the Thing. The Thing has been in many such battles. For our Hero, this is the first. Our Hero is armed with a knife. The Thing is armed with a formidable exterior.
The Battle begins. As simply as I just said it. Our Hero draws first blood and plunges the knife into the Thing. But the Thing has powers which are indescribable...as Hamlet had pointed out...
"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy".
The Thing exerts its power...the knife wielding hand of Hero turns against his other. Had the entire thing not been not so scary and of such utmost importance to the Hero's survival, it might as well have been branded as a cheap horror flick. The battle raged on...for an endless two hours. Time seemed to stand still, awed by the sheer brutality of this epic duel. In the end, our Hero stood straight...bloody knife in his bloody hands...the victor at last.
He was exhausted but not quite done. There were still a few finishing touches to go. His hunger had to be quenched. Thus he smote the ruins of his vanquished upon the frying pan and did what he had learnt from some marvellous hindi movies-it is called Zakhmo pe namak (aur tel aur masala) chidakna.

Finally, in a climax as poetic as the whole episode, Yours Truly had fried chicken...which, needless to say, he devoured to his utmost satisfaction, ravenous after his mammoth encounter.

The Fountainheads of Calcutta

Ever since I've got to St. Louis I've longed for home. I've thought, what is it that this place has, apart from 6-lane roads, that we don't have back in good old Calcutta (yes, I've always preferred it to Kolkata). Then I noticed something which made me waver, something that tested my conviction.
I'm talking about the weather forecasting here. I was simply amazed at the pinpoint accuracy with which the weather department predicts the weather here...and for 10 days at a stretch. It's all sunny and sweltering in the morning and they say "Heavy showers expected at night". What a load of crap, I say to myself. But as has happened on numerous other occasions, I'm left eating my hat. Come 7.30 and it's pouring like hell. I say to myself..."Heck, these guys are good". But one thing constantly keeps hounding me. Of all things, is good ol' Calcutta gonna taste defeat on just this paltry note. Is there somthing that these people can do better.
I try to forget about the feeeling but it keeps nibbling on my insides like a festering wound that refuses to heal. Then one day as I'm flipping though the Fountainhead light dawns on me. I read about how Dominique Francon publicly pans Howard Roark's work simply because she feels that the world is not ready for him. She has this to say...

" When you see a man casting pearls without getting even a pork chop in return--it is not against the swine that you feel indignation. It is against the man who valued his pearls so little that he was willing to fling them into the muck and to let them become the occasion for a whole concert of grunting ".

And immediately I thought of the weather department in Calcutta. In that moment I was the swine that hadn't till then realized the worth of Calcutta's weather department. Why should they go on predicting the wether correctly for a group of people who have no respect at all for their methods? Why should they toil day and night for a media that is constantly panning them? That's right...I know if you're a person with wits about yourself and even an iota of understanding you would say..."God! What have these geniuses been putting up with"....And only then will you realize their greatness when you understand the conflict that they deal with every day. When they predict the weather correctly it's because they want to give us the best that they can offer. When they predict it wrongly, it's not because of their ineptitude. The mere thought would be travesty. They do it because they know that the poeple don't deserve it. It makes me remember a piece of dialogue from "A Few Good Men" between Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise...

Nicholson:You want answers?
Cruise : I think I'm entitled to them.
Nicholson:You want answers?
Cruise :I want the truth.
Nicholson:You can't handle the truth.

That's it. They know we can't handle the truth. They've known all along. So they hide it from us for our own sake. And for the few bold enough to seek it, the Truth is out there, purposely moderated for our mediocre tastes by the Fountainheads of Calcutta. Hats off to them. I am at peace.

Road to insanity-Part 1

In the grand old days of the great epics youths (mostly princes) were sent out into the jungle to fend for themselves. It would prove to be a test of their character wherein they were supposed to live off their mettle away from human contact and if they managed to come back, it would speak volumes about their survival capabilities. When they came back, they would have garnered respect and in quite a few cases if the youths were adventurous enough, they would also have bagged a sizeable amount of moolaah and maybe even a princess in their kitty. Those not macho enough to go the princess distance would have one waiting back home. Well, that was how it was back then.
And let me tell you that even with all this bullshit going on about India losing touch with its heritage, there’s this group of software professionals who are still dutifully trying to keep this ritual alive in true Indian style-only now they call it an onsite gig. In fact the practice has blossomed up to such an extent that there are even institutions that one can tag up with to embark on this quest of theirs. The problem however arises when the “institution” you get stuck with gives you a raw deal and sends you off to a place that even today could most readily qualify as a “jungle”. So you end up living your life on berries all right but get none of the moolaah or the princess.
On another note, I had heard that the army makes a man out of you, teaches you stuff that you wouldn’t normally dream of learning, gets you in shape. I say the software industry has done exactly that for me. I mean I can iron clothes and boil eggs and make omelets now like I was the king of laundry and ironing and cooking (I hadn’t dreamt of doing any of those). I have gotten into perfect shape (let me clarify here that round is a perfect shape in my dictionary). I have learnt to go on for days without engaging in small talk with a soul. I take particular pride in this since I like to think of me as a top secret covert op man who speaks only when he has to. Seriously, the only discussions I have had over the past months that crossed the two second barrier were the ones I had at work or over the phone. I have a feeling that very soon I will start saying over and out on the phone too. The army teaches you to think clearly. The software industry has taught me to think clearly too. I clearly think that in a few more days I will clearly go completely insane. The army teaches you that what you get paid from your country is not important but what counts is the service that you render. The software industry has taught me that what I get from my company is not important but it’s the amount of work that I put in that counts. Here too one should notice the unmistakable influence of the Bhagvad Geeta (you know, coming back to how software professionals strictly adhere to the Indian Culture)…the doctrine that teaches you to do your duty without any expectations as to the outcome.
I guess the army also teaches you that when you start getting light headed you should try and get some sleep. I think I’m going to take that advice now, stop blabbering and get back to you guys later. For those still wondering what this was all about…I’ve been in St. Louis, USA for the last two months and these are just ramblings of a mind that is now even more unsound than it was.