Walk on

Walking has done me a world of good.Whenever i'm sitting doing nothing in particular,I walk. Now before people start thinking i was stoned when i wrote this i'd like to clarify that by walking i mean my mental excursions.As i walk along a vast expanse i invariably stumble on the shards of quite a few of my fragile dreams shattered on impact with stark reality.Initially i would be perturbed by their sharp jabs but i've learnt to take them in my stride.When I had just begun my wayfaring i would generally always walk through a dreary neighbourhood with invariably not a soul in sight.Far away i would see signs of revelry but the more i'd walk towards it the further it would appear.The biting wind would drive a chill up my spine as i walked on with the sole aim of leaving my agonies far behind.Somehow they would catch up and i would keep on walking to no avail.The fact that i didn't have company on my perambulation would somehow magnify my melancholia.I would keep thinking that yours truly was the only hapless soul somehow willingly doomed to walk the streets of despondency.Time however has mellowed the vapors of my vagrancies.Gradually I have begun catching glimpses of other pensive souls treading on the same paths that i do.I have started realizing that my so called woes measure up to only an iota of the trials and tribulations of my fellow hitchhikers.I have realised that darkness is only a fad for college goers and in my humble opinion maturity lies in the realisation that "dark" is not "cool" and psychedelic rock is not necessarily the last word on life.I haven't necessarily seen the light at the end of the tunnel but i'm a believer in the fact that there is one to be found if one can walk long enough.I have thus begun walking with renewed vigour.I can't say i'm walking for world peace but i can vouch for the fact that it has worked wonders
for my peace of mind and i can only prescribe what according to me is tried and tested medicine. Walk on,I say...

Main bhi Madonna(or maybe Britney)

Mika thought he had it all figured out...his career in music needed some mouth to moth resuscitation and who better to do it than Rakhi Sawant,the ultimate oomph girl...one public lip lock and we'd have our desi version of the Britney-Madonna fracas.
However...as Miss Sawant quaintly points out,there was one small glitch...the western counterparts were both female...and that is exactly what she kept harping on when she was asked why she hadn't made so much of a fuss when she had smooched Kayanaaz(some obscure
actress) a year ago. "She was female...that was different" she says in her most earnest "I was molested" voice-of course it was...we fully understand(and, just for the record, that understanding has nothing to do with naughty mental images about her and Kayanaaz!!!) Coupled with this monumental error in judgment by Mika, is the fact that he hogged the camera even when they were engaged the act...no one does that to the "show"biz queen that she is. I am sure that being the understanding person that she is, Rakhi would definitely have taken it better had it been executed more aesthetically but that uncouth barbarian Mika would have none of that. I'm quite certain that everyone would agree about the ample signs that the demure damsel had given Mika to indicate that she wanted nothing to do with him...after all Rakhi pecking him on the cheeks and flinging herself all over him should have been sign enough.
That damn bastard messed it all up...somewhere Jazzy B is smirking..."Serves Mika right...he should have taken my idea and tried it with me...could have done us both a world of good".

MI3 accomplished

Henceforth i have decided to call Tom Cruise "The Old Faithful" and that's not because he's
an old geyser(well, a soon-to-be old geezer maybe) but because he has yet again justified my
unwavering faith in his abilities to come up with box ofice turnips.
I managed to sit through 2 hours of mission impossible 3 and still came out with whatever
gray matter i had,intact-now that's a mission impossible if there ever was one. When i had conjectured that Tom Cruise should try dying and coming back from the dead i had
no idea that he would actually resort to such travesty!!! Yes, Cruise actually comes back
from the dead(unfortunately not in Whoopi's body,though)...this really proves what Anthony Hopkins claimed in MI2..."This is not mission difficult Mr.Hunt, it's mission impossible...difficult should be a walk in the park for you."...and hearing that Cruise decided to take impossibility to a whole new level.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is wasted in the film...it pains me to even see that he decided to have any association with the movie(or maybe he was "wasted" when he did sign the film).The performance by Cruise is however an "inspired" one...yes he has drawn inspiration from such varied sources as Spiderman(he swings from one skyscraper to another with such ease as would do Peter Parker proud) and also matrix(he jumps from one half of a broken bridge to another heeding Neo's sound advice to "free your mind"...Cruise i believe has freed it so far as to lose it completely) and in keeping with true matrix sentiments he lets his screen wife
hammer his lifeless body back into kick-ass action right after an explosive charge goes off in his head leaving his brain cells all scrambled and and deep fried.
On coming back to life however he shows sound judgment in promptly wrapping up the film. Hopefully this newfound sense will last him so that he might undertake a very "possible" task
of never ever making a Mission Impossible sequel again.

u-N-leashed in Orkut

The Orkut community is sleeping soundly, blissfully unaware of the fact that a major storm is brewing-one that is going to hit them with a force of a thousand penetrations(at least). If i have been cryptic in my opening line it's because what i'm going to divulge is going to scare the bejesus out of all men in Orkut. Yes, Achtung Achtung, calling all the lovely mama sitas out there in Orkut...The Big N is here...the man, the love machine, the vibrator...err i meant vibrant, hunka hunka burning love. For those of you who haven't already had the pleasure of coming in contact(cyber of course) with him, read on and you'll get to know the stuff that really naughty dreams are made of.
A 33 year old software professional in a reputed company,the Big N(henceforth referred to simply as N), declares his social status as married and declares among his primal...err, prime...interests, "Dating women"...yes he's that kind of a "man"!!!
Below is a glimpse of N's orkut profile...he is constantly on a self improvement drive so this is all subject to change.Anyway here it goes as it "stands" now(the profile, i mean):
Social:
About me:God's greatest gift to women...the uber-sexual ebony god who'll turn your deepest darkest desires into stark reality...all in a day's work for me...A marvel with hands...my bad boys can really do wonders...If you wanna know more,come and we shall explore(or we can explore and then come,depending on your preferences).
Gender:Definitely male baby...i define "male".
Ethnicity:Happening
Political View:Do unto your neighbour's wife what you would do unto yours(sometimes even more).
Fashion:Minimal(Clothes are strictly optional)
Drinking:Drinking life to the lees
Living:With partners,Party every night,Women visit often.

Interests:
Passions:Women
Activities:Dancing the Penetrada,exercise(The Rear Admiral),"Hand"-i-crafts,Martial Arts(The Naked Kill),"Mountain" Climbing
Books:Man's greatest erections(this book is a marvel in the field of architecture),How to avoid DNA parentage detection tests,The Art of Sticking Pointy Things Into Fleshy Things(a delightful handicrafts book).
TV shows:Anything by 20th century fux,Sluts in the City,anything that plays on National Pornographic,Buffy the vampire layer
Music:ASOL,Rise FM,Stunning Cunts by Meta-licka,wherever whenever by Shake-era.I like Hindi music too...but it has to have meaningful lyrics...like that song from Devdas...dildo la, dildo la
Movies:Assablanca,Good Will Humping,Welcome to my jungle,Shaving Ryan's Privates,The 6th Lay,Forest Hump,The perfect Sperm,You've Got Male
Cuisines:dressed chicken & undressed women...he he,naughty me.

Professional:
Industry:Actually Software but i'm more of a medical,healthcare and social welfare kind of a person.
Career Skills:Multifarious and nefarious.
Career Interests:To boldly go where no man has gone before

Personal:
Headline:My usual pick up line works wonders..."U smell kinda pretty,Wanna smell me???"
The first thing you'll notice about me:Two things...the MAN and his LEGEND
Build:Ebony God
Looks:Let me put it this way...long,bald,fat and meaty and that's just my little major. On the whole...good enough to swallow...err,eat i mean.
Turn ons:WOMEN
Turn offs:MEN
My idea of a perfect first date:For u baby, any date with me would be perfect.
From my past relationships i have learned:Whole new bedroom postions that you haven't even dreamt of.
In my bedroom you will find:Women(note the plural usage)
Ideal Match:Who knows,YOU might just turn out to be her.

Yes friends,this is the kind of ominous persona we lesser men are up against. If we can't come up with something miraculous real soon, the N-progeny will be unleashed upon the world. If however you take my idea, i'll say only this..."If you can't beat him,join him"...i have more than half a mind to do the same...Eagerly awaiting your responses.

Mission:Absolutely,Totally,Insanely Impossible

Before Interval:Agent Blunt(Tom Cruise) is depressed since Scarlett Johansson has just turned down his persistent offer to take up scientology. Oprah is playing reruns of how Cruise has managed to make a fool of himself in front of the whole world by jumpin on a sofa like a crazy puppy. This proves to be the last straw for him and he dies of a broken heart.

After Interval:Two pigeons fly into a shady room and immediatly drop dead shocked by the resurrected Agent Blunt's newest hairstyle. Yes. Agent Blunt is back...only now in the body of Whoopi Goldberg(she badly needed this role).Mission Absolutely Impossible now is to spread the message of Scientology to the whole world and rid the world of the scum who won't embrace it.He/she will also put an end to the assorted horrors of humanity(first on the list being the Oprah Winfrey Show).The movie ends in a breathtaking action sequence in which Whoopi leaps up on a sofa and kicks the living daylights out of Oprah,all the while screaming that he/she was doing it for Katie. Criuse lets out a satisfied smirk..."Should have used Whoopi's body long ago...this'll show that prick Keanu Reaves...he isn't the only one who can manage that wire-fu shit....and any way Carrie Ann Moss did it way better than him".
The rest of the movie is interspersed with unnecessary explosions and a lot of shouting and screaming that ultimately amount to nothing more than the basic jist explained above.[And we blame Sunny Deol for what he does in his movies.]
The above is an amateur attempt, by a friend(Abheek) and me, to provide an alternate approach to what Mission Impossible 3 aims to achieve...profits. At least in one respect MI3 scores a prefect 10...the name...it is practically going to be a Mission Impossible to get profits out of this script. Even an Oscar winning Phillip Seymour Hoffman cannot salvage the movie because I am pretty sure Tom Cruise(who seems to be running with all his might towards a Razzie)will do his part to balance out the odds.I mean, the only thing at the moment that can be worse than a Mission Impossible would be another of Schwarzennegger's "clone" movies in which every second actor is an Arnie clone...talk about cost effective film making.The next week is going to prove if i have to eat my words but i'm banking on Cruise to not let me down...People who've already had the dual misfortune of watching the movie and reading this blog are requested to further their misery by leaving their comments here.
[PS:Inspiration for this post was drawn from the greatbong's blogspot and Tom Cruise's pathetic histrionic abilities]

Fairer Sex, Unfair Life

When it comes to women, i have a magnetic personality...unfortunately however ,the magnetic force in my case has always been just repulsive.
My drop dead gorgeous looks have always kept the ladies at bay...I am pretty sure they were apprehensive of the fact that they might actually drop dead! "Go me", I say! The fact that this thought has constantly played on my mind hasn't necessarily helped matters and has, in fact, played a major role in further suppressing my already challenged conversational skills. Whenever i've been in the company of the fairer sex the proverbial cat has invariably caught my tongue, and my normal subterranean "loner" characteristics have surfaced with full gusto. Only after a number of encounters would i manage to blurt out a few incoherent phrases that would make about as much sense as a Tapas Pal flick. Gradually, i'd ease up a little and begin to speak even more fluent gibberish! "Go me", i say yet again! Even if a certain lady might have managed to brave out my initial oddities, she would then have to put up with my warped sense of humour, which if i might add is actually one of my defence mechanisms(though not a very effective one at that). [Against what it is supposed to defend me, I will never be able to satisfactorily explain]. I remember a friend recently retorting why i always have to make a wisecrack at every second statement...i believe my above confession has answered her question. Considering all this, I can't help but laud Pritha for the amount of patience that she had exhibited in putting up with me as long as she did.
Nevertheless, i have always held a firm belief that when it comes to the fairer sex, life's not fair. Waiting to be proved wrong...